


Honey and Saliva

by Cerinh (AnnieAmazing)



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Anal Sex, Barebacking, Blow Jobs, Breathplay, Comfort Sex, Face-Fucking, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Light BDSM, Light Bondage, M/M, Masturbation, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Slow Burn, Suspense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-06
Updated: 2020-02-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:47:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22578814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnieAmazing/pseuds/Cerinh
Summary: In which Die is both good and bad and Kaoru understands.(Not a songfic, and yes, I know it's "Crime and Punishment" ("Tsumi to Batsu"), not "Honey and Saliva" ("Mitsu to Tsuba"), but Kyo's penchant for wordplay is very inspirational and I thought it fits the story. Also, if you're looking for hardcore BDSM porn, this isn't for you. The focus of this story lies on the emotions underneath the fetish-y sex.)
Relationships: Die/Kaoru (Dir en grey)
Comments: 14
Kudos: 23





	Honey and Saliva

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PapilioMachaon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PapilioMachaon/gifts).



> To my very own Die. Thank you for all the inspiration, thank you for bearing with me and thank you for being an incredible partner in crime when it comes to writing and pining over a certain someone. Hrrhrr.  
> It was a joy meeting you and I hope we can do it again sometime. (Let's get fucking drunk!) Lessthanthree.
> 
> Also a huge thank you to my One True Love, MadameTristesse, for providing the inspiration for this story. It's based on a daydream she had, which, obviously, she told me about because she _wanted_ me to write it down. Here ya go, babe. Winkeyface.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING:  
> If someone being tied up and/or choked is a trigger for you, you might want to avoid reading this.  
> If you're uncomfortable with BDSM in general, you might want to avoid reading this.
> 
> The BDSM in this story is very mild, but regardless of that, please _do not_ try and do any of the things I've described in here without consulting someone who has actual, proper knowledge of the topic! Especially when it comes to choking someone or being choked, which is _very_ dangerous and always a gamble. Do not _ever_ do it with someone you don't fully trust, and even then, please take precautions! There are a number of places where you can learn about BDSM and how to execute certain 'play styles' without putting yourself or someone else at risk. Don't be reckless. Thank you.

Die is a good person. He is kind to friends and strangers alike, he always stops and takes a picture with his fans if they happen to recognise him, he smiles at random people on the street just to make their day a little brighter and he always has time to help out a friend. He’s good. No one would ever argue with that. No one but Kaoru.

Kaoru knows when it starts. Everyone else does, too, except they don’t understand why Die is acting differently – to them, it’s unusual, it’s weird, even worrisome. But Kaoru doesn’t think that. He sees the signs and interprets them just right, understands what this is. This game Die plays with him. Kaoru knows where it leads and he lets it take the route it always does. He lets Die play.

Because Die wants to be bad sometimes. And more than that – and this, Kaoru understands as well – Die _needs_ to be bad sometimes. He even feels terrible for only wanting it, even when he doesn’t act on the impulses his subconscious sends to his body. But sometimes he is helpless against the twitching in his nerves and the prickling sensation at the back of his neck that makes all the tiny hairs there stand on end at the simple thought of being bad. And that’s when he _lets_ himself. He really has no other choice.

In the past couple of days, maybe one and a half weeks now, he’s been _exceptionally_ bad. He hasn’t left his cranky morning mood at home in his half-empty coffee pot like he usually does and instead unleashed it on his bandmates at the studio. He’s been rude all around, only giving short, grumpy sounding replies when addressed, leaving the room in the middle of a conversation to do _whatever else_ and, maybe worst of all, he’s been half-assing his compositions.

At one point, after Die had been late for the third consecutive meeting in a row, and not just by a few minutes, but by over half an hour, Kyo had pulled him aside and looked at him sternly. “Are you _trying_ to get in trouble? You’re pissing everyone off and I don’t think Kaoru’s going to take much more of this,” he had warned, but Die had only smiled secretly to himself and not said a word.

Three days later had landed Die where he is now. In trouble. And right where he had wanted – _longed_ – to be again. For such a long time.

He had come down from the studio and made his way to the parking lot, where he had left his lipstick red BMW. He’d felt a rush of excitement when he’d found Kaoru leaning against the rear of the car with his arms crossed in front of his chest and a dark expression on his face. But when their eyes had met, Die hadn’t been able to read any emotion in the almost black depths and for a moment, there had been fear in him. Fear that he’d gone too far this time, fear that he’d pissed off Kaoru to the point of no return, somewhere far beyond mercy. Fear that for once, he wouldn’t get away with his game, that Kaoru wouldn’t be gentle and understanding anymore. But then, Die didn’t really _want_ the kind and patient leader to be gentle. He didn’t _want_ mercy. He wanted him to be rough, maybe even a little mean; he wanted Kaoru to give him all the things Die didn’t dare ask for with words.

They had stared at each other for a long moment and then Kaoru had tilted his head and quirked up one brow, and Die’s fear had dissipated immediately, replaced instead by a familiar tingling in his veins, the soft buzz of arousal and anticipation.

Now, Die is sitting on his bed and everything is quiet except for his own breathing which comes out of his parted lips in excited little gasps. It sounds loud in his ears and brings a light pink tinge of embarrassment to his cheeks, but that’s okay because that’s exactly how the game is supposed to go.

He watches Kaoru watch him and squirms under that intense, dark stare. He’s desperately aroused, his cock standing proudly at attention. And he hasn’t even been touched. At this point, he’s not even sure he _will_ be and the thought makes him groan softly, anxiously. And, a bit paradoxically perhaps, it only arouses him further.

Die sits with his legs spread and his heels touching his buttocks. His arms are bound behind his back, tightly enough to restrain him and slightly disrupt the flow of blood, but it doesn’t hurt, it’s not even uncomfortable, on the contrary. He doesn’t want pain, and Kaoru doesn’t _ever_ hurt him. Die wants control to be taken away and Kaoru does that for him, pins him with his gaze and binds him with his hands and the help of some rope until Die is completely at Kaoru’s mercy. They understand each other wordlessly, their arrangement flawless and full of trust. Die has a safeword, but he’s never had to use it. Not once in all those years.

He writhes slightly and the restraints around his arms tighten momentarily, deliciously. The red nylon rope binding Die’s arms together from his elbows down to his wrists provides a familiar, comforting feeling against his skin, and so does the one that runs up from between his wrists to loop around his neck – loosely, except not really. It doesn’t strangle him, exactly, but it sits tight enough that if Die moves, if he leans forward a little or angles his arms just right, the nylon will steal his breath away. It will give him this tingling sensation of losing control over himself, and even when he knows it’s dangerous he does it every now and again just to feel that rush. It arouses him, playing with his life like that, even when he _isn’t,_ really. He isn’t, because Kaoru is there to stop him from overdoing it, to keep him from falling unconscious, or worse.

Die knows he’s not going to die from this – but he also doesn’t want to be entirely sure that he’ll live. Kaoru understands that, thankfully.

Die’s eyes roam the naked body looming in front of him – like a dark angel, he thinks, dazedly. His gaze follows the familiar lines etched into the skin down to the curiously short, but oh so talented fingers wrapped around Kaoru’s hard cock. He watches intently as Kaoru strokes himself languidly, teasingly. He waits, his own, neglected dick throbbing in response to the stimuli Kaoru grants himself and it’s almost as though Die feels those fingers on his own erection.

There is a bead of precum at the tip of Kaoru’s cock, glistening in the red hue of the bedside lamp behind Die, near the window. Except for this one light, the room is dark, but Die can still see everything clearly.

He licks his lips as his gaze fixes on the shimmer of arousal at the crown of that perfect, beautiful cock and he _hears_ Kaoru’s smirk when he asks Die if he wants a taste.

Biting down hard on his bottom lip, Die’s eyes dart up to his lover’s and he nods, eagerly. His face takes on a pleading expression and he whimpers. He knows he’ll have to earn it if he wants that cock in his mouth and so he whimpers again, but Kaoru only stares at him, expectantly.

“Yes, please,” Die breathes finally, his lower lip trembling slightly. His fingers flex against the bedspread involuntarily, anticipation making his skin prickle as he watches Kaoru step closer, then kneel on the bed and finally crawl towards Die. He looks like a lioness, Die thinks, graceful and predatory with his black eyes and wild hair.

Die’s arms twitch, pull the nylon rope taut. He can feel it cutting into his skin slightly, a sharp burn and then his last breath leaves him. He tries to gasp in another lungful of air but finds that he can’t. His vision blurs slightly, deliciously, and he’s all but ready to give in to the enticing pull. But then Kaoru’s deep voice rips him back from the brink.

“That’s enough,” it commands, sternly, and with some difficulty, Die obeys. He catches himself, sits back upright and breathes for the first time in what feels like a small eternity. The air burns in his lungs, every breath stings, seems to sear a painful trail down his windpipe. It’s divine and he thinks, cloudily, that he’s never felt so alive before.

Once Kaoru is in front of him he moves in as if for a kiss, but those taunting lips stop only a hair’s breadth away, just out of reach for Die who can’t lean forward without strangling himself. He would do it anyway, but Kaoru told him ‘enough’ already and Die doesn’t want to be bad again, he wants to be good now, he wants to earn a taste of that cock. Kaoru knows this, and that’s why he’s doing it, why he’s hovering just outside of Die’s reach, tempting him to give in and be bad. It’s a form of punishment, a mild one, surely, but it’s agonising all the same. Kaoru smiles when Die doesn’t try to disobey this time.

Die licks his lips again and whines, but he doesn’t ask to be kissed. Not verbally. The expression on his face tells a different story, though – it’s pleading, desperate and he almost looks like he’s going to cry. He will, eventually, he always does – later. Not just yet.

Kaoru reaches around Die with one hand and swiftly undoes the neck restraint. Die whines in protest, but Kaoru pierces him with this disapproving glare and Die whimpers apologetically, all but shrinking in on himself. But as Kaoru’s hands, warm and gentle, finally remove the nylon from around his neck, cast it aside and then return to rub at the abused skin, Die moans softly, pleadingly. And Kaoru gives in, grants him what he wants. Short fingers close around Die’s throat, squeeze the air right out of his lungs before releasing, forcing Die to gasp. Kaoru repeats the process three more times until he deems it enough, and Die smiles at him dazedly, grateful for being granted those sensations.

“Did you like that?” Kaoru asks and Die nods eagerly. Kaoru’s thumb travels the softness of Die’s bottom lip in a feathery touch.

“Good,” he says, his voice holding a hint of something sweet and soft while his black eyes follow the movement of his thumb. Then, suddenly, his gaze snaps up and locks with Die’s.

“Will you be good for me now?” he questions and Die breathes in sharply under that intense stare. He nods, but Kaoru frowns.

“Say it,” he demands and Die shivers.

“I’ll be good,” he promises, breathless, and his eyes fall shut halfway.

“Please use me,” he adds, his voice barely audible, and Kaoru smiles, satisfied. He pushes his thumb between Die’s plush lips and rubs lightly over the tongue tip he finds inside for a moment. Then the digit retreats and Kaoru grabs Die by the shoulders. Together, they rearrange Die on the bed until he’s sitting with his back to the headboard, the skin of his arms, still bound behind his back, burning hot against the cool metal, and his long legs stretched out in front of him.

Kaoru scoots closer on his knees until he’s almost straddling Die’s lap. Then, he leans in for a kiss that makes Die melt, coaxes a soft moan to fall from his lips only to be swallowed by Kaoru’s demanding mouth. This is a reward, Die realises. He doesn’t know what for, precisely, but he must have done something right. Maybe it was the way he answered Kaoru’s inquiry, or maybe something in the way he behaved or moved. It doesn’t matter, really, why Kaoru saw fit to reward him with a kiss or what Die has done to deserve it. All that matters is the divine feeling of those lips he’s missed so much against his own, those lips from which he hopes one day to hear the words he longs for most. But that, too, is something he doesn’t dare ask for, so he keeps quiet and cherishes the moments he is granted.

Kaoru pulls back from their kiss and strokes his pointer along Die’s jawline.

“Are you comfortable?” he asks, his deep voice resonating with something Die wants to call love, but refrains and names it ‘care’ instead. He nods softly and smiles and Kaoru accepts that as his answer this time.

One tattooed hand moves to the back of Die’s neck, into the soft hair there and curls against his scalp. Then, the fingers pull, not deliberately hurtful, but not gentle either. Die’s neck snaps backwards without resistance, the top of his head scraping along the metal bars of the headboard and he practically sobs with joy. Kaoru’s lips and teeth nip the thin skin over his jawbone for a second before he stands up. He looms over Die now, the wet tip of Kaoru’s hard cock right in front of Die’s lips, teasing, taunting. Waiting for him to do what he does best.

There is no hesitation in Die, only lust and need as he opens his mouth wide. His tongue slicks over his lower lip and he waits. Kaoru keeps him in suspense for a few heartbeats that quickly start to feel like an eternity.

“Good boy,” Kaoru breathes, finally. His free hand, the one not in Die’s hair, reaches out to hold onto the headboard as he moves in the rest of the way, pushes his throbbing cock between Die’s soft lips and into the waiting cavern of his mouth. He goes in deep immediately, doesn’t give Die much time to adjust to the intrusion and causes him to gag slightly as the tip of Kaoru’s cock hits the back of Die’s throat. A small trickle of saliva runs from the corner of Die’s mouth down to his chin and drips onto his chest. Kaoru groans in response to that and rocks his hips forward again. This time, Die doesn’t choke. He relaxes his throat and welcomes the intruding length, his lips closed tightly around the heated flesh and his tongue pressed flat against the underside. He feels the pulsing of the vein beneath the skin and moans around the glorious shaft in his mouth.

Kaoru is quiet, the only sounds he makes are little gasps and the occasional hiss through gritted teeth. He still holds Die’s hair and it’s beginning to burn a bit at the roots, but when Kaoru suddenly moans from deep in his chest, Die forgets all about the slight pain against his scalp. He’s shaking with pent-up lust and involuntarily tears at his restraints. It causes the rope to pull tight around his arms, and he feels it burning as it cuts into his skin, disrupting the blood flow further, nearly cutting it off. His fingers start to tingle, sensations in which Die revels, and he moans again, the sound muffled by the dick down his throat.

“Such a good boy,” Kaoru praises, “You’re doing so well tonight.” His voice is husky and deep and sends shivers all over Die’s body. He keeps it up for a while longer, telling Die how much he enjoys seeing him like this, how nice he feels around his cock and that he was made for sucking Kaoru’s dick – Die agrees with that sentiment quietly. Die almost sobs joyously as he lets the words wash over him. He soaks them all up, files away each compliment and commits them to memory.

Kaoru moves closer by a fraction and leans forward. The new position grants him much better leverage and he begins to really go at it, his hips thrusting forward with one intent now. The rhythm in which he fucks Die’s mouth is fast and hard and Kaoru starts moaning just as Die tightens his throat by swallowing deliberately.

From here, it only takes a few more moments until Kaoru plummets over the edge. The cock in Die’s mouth twitches against his tongue and then a flood of warmth takes over all of his senses, the taste of Kaoru’s cum intense and comforting. Diligently, Die swallows down every drop while Kaoru keeps thrusting into his mouth through his orgasm. From below hooded lids, Die watches him ride out the waves and his own dick throbs needily. Eventually, Kaoru pulls back, and Die can’t help but to try and chase that delicious cock with his lips – unsuccessfully, since Kaoru’s hand is still pulling his hair and it hurts when he tries to move his head forward.

It takes a few moments, but then Kaoru releases Die’s hair from his grip and sinks back down to his knees. He’s still panting for air, his chest heaving, but he looks at Die in this way that tells him he’s been good and that he’ll be rewarded. Die trembles in anticipation.

There are vivid images flashing before his eyes, scenes of Kaoru and the things he may, or may not, do to Die. He sees Kaoru hovering over him, pulling him down the bed by his knees until he’s lying down on his bound arms. Then, he sees Kaoru turn him over and just like that he can actually _feel_ him penetrating his tight ass. Die feels the muscle constrict in joyful anticipation and gasps. His eyelids flutter.

“Please,” he begs, voice weak and desperate, and tries to look at Kaoru, but it’s hard for Die to keep his eyes open. He’s turned on beyond rational thought, and he _still_ hasn’t been properly touched.

Kaoru only looks at him for a long while, his face expressionless, though his eyes wear the smile he keeps otherwise carefully concealed. Die sees it in the gentle shine in their black depths and it causes him to gasp once more and bite down hard on his bottom lip. He’s fighting the little spark deep in his guts this way, the one that tells him how in love he is and how much he hopes Kaoru feels the same. He doesn’t want to have these thoughts, doesn’t want to have these feelings, he hates the pain they bring because he fears, _he knows,_ Kaoru doesn’t like him this way.

Something flashes in Kaoru’s gaze that Die can’t read before the dark orbs hide behind fluttering lids. When Kaoru opens his eyes again, whatever emotion they held is gone, hidden in the black depths.

A surprised gasp escapes Die that morphs into a soft, whimpering moan when suddenly, Kaoru’s right hand is around Die’s cock, the touch feathery, but the feelings those fingertips cause as they glide over the heated, pulsating skin almost too intense. His eyes fall shut of their own accord, Die doesn’t even realise it.

“Look at me,” the deep baritone commands and Die fights hard to blink his clouded eyes open. When he does, Kaoru gives him this intense look that sends a shiver down Die’s spine.

“Watch,” Kaoru rasps and removes his hand from Die’s erection. It causes a whimper to flee Die’s throat, but he doesn’t complain, wouldn’t dream of it. Instead, he does as he was told and watches as Kaoru gets the lube from the bedside table and squirts some on the fingers of his right hand.

Die’s legs want to spread in anticipation, but Kaoru is still straddling him and so he can’t. He whines a little and then Kaoru lifts his butt off Die’s knees and reaches around himself. A shuddering moan escapes Die and his eyes widen slightly as he realises what Kaoru is doing – and what it means.

A look of relaxed concentration falls over Kaoru’s features; his eyes close and he sighs softly. It’s the only sound he makes besides the low, wet noises of his fingers penetrating his own ass. Die mewls softly, his whole body tingles and burns, his toes curl and his cock jumps. Involuntarily, he tries to reach out for Kaoru, but of course the restraints won’t let him, so all he succeeds in doing is causing the rope to cut even deeper into his skin. He’s sure it will leave angry red marks, but he doesn’t care. He likes those marks, actually – he calls them desire lines.

For another long minute that, to Die, feels like a month is passing him by, Kaoru keeps prepping himself. Then, finally, he pulls his fingers free and squirts more lube onto the palm of his hand which he then brings down around Die’s throbbing erection. A moan resonates around the room that Die just can’t hold back, it’s loud and clear and his ears pick up Kaoru’s responding chuckle.

“Feels good?” he asks, the deep baritone slightly amused sounding, but he doesn’t mean to make fun of Die. The real reason Kaoru asks is because he wants to check in with Die. And because of that there’s this small, painful sting in Die’s chest, the one that wants to scream at Kaoru how much he loves him. But he bites his lip and swallows the words and simply nods by way of response, his lids fluttering furiously.

Kaoru hums deep in his throat. “Talk to me,” he says, and this time, it isn’t a demand. Instead, it sounds soft and gentle, almost like a plea, or, at the very least, a request. It feels like it’s somehow _significant_ to Kaoru to hear him speak, and thus, Die tries his hardest to comply.

“Feels great,” he gasps, “I love–” –you, he almost says, but bites his tongue at the last second. Then, after another gasp, he collects himself somewhat, tries again. “I love it.”

Kaoru gives one last flick with his wrist before retracting his hand. Die mewls and Kaoru leans forward to breathe into his ear, “I’ll make you feel even better now.”

A shudder runs through Die at the seductive whisper, but he doesn’t have the mind to reply, let alone form a coherent sentence, before Kaoru scoots closer and reaches around himself to hold Die’s cock steady. Slowly, Kaoru rocks on the tip for a few moments, pushes it against his entrance teasingly, causing Die to break off into a litany of pleasurable little sounds and half-formed thoughts.

Then, Kaoru sinks down on him, slowly, and Die’s mind goes blank. For a few, precious moments, nothing exists in his world other than the feeling of tight heat engulfing his aching cock.

“Breathe,” Kaoru whispers against his parted lips and it effectively pulls Die back to reality. He gasps in a lungful of air just as Kaoru starts to move. Die really, really wants to move with him, wants to thrust up into the delicious heat fluttering around him, but Kaoru hasn’t told him that he’s allowed to do so, and even if he had, Die isn’t sure that he can. His every nerve seems to tingle as he succumbs to the little tremors of lust shooting through his body. His skin feels prickly and too tight, his chest is heaving and his voice cracks as he releases another long, obscene moan.

Kaoru rocks in Die’s lap, up and down, back and forth. He keeps his movements slow, languid, draws out the pleasure for both of them, but Die is so close to orgasm already, he isn’t sure he can hold it off for long.

A warm thumb runs along Die’s jaw to his chin and down his throat, it exerts a little more pressure as it trails the curve of his Adam’s apple and Die tilts his head back, exposes his throat, presents it to Kaoru in a silent bid for that delicious sensation. But Kaoru doesn’t give in and Die swallows the desperate plea that’s threatening to drip from his lips.

“Cum when you need to,” Kaoru tells him, speaks directly against Die’s dry, parted lips and then licks into his mouth. He rubs his tongue against Die’s who does his best to respond in kind, moaning and gasping into Kaoru’s mouth, but the sensations are too overwhelming, he can’t focus on kissing back and so Kaoru breaks the connection and moves more in Die’s lap. He braces himself on Die’s shoulder with one hand. His speed picks up considerably, Kaoru comes down harder on Die’s dick with every stroke.

For a few minutes they lose themselves in the movements and the sensations they provide. Then, suddenly, Kaoru moans loudly, obscenely. “Move with me,” he gasps and Die obeys to the best of his abilities. He leans back on his hands as much as he can and spreads his legs as far as possible to gain some leverage. Then, he starts thrusting up into Kaoru’s tight hole in tandem with Kaoru sinking down on him.

 _“Yes,”_ Kaoru hisses, “just like that. Perfect. Such a good boy.” He trails off into a string of praise and obscenities, their volume ranging from serene whispers to almost-screams and the sounds set Die off as well, make him moan at the top of his lungs and whine occasionally in-between.

They are both racing for the abyss, their hips pursuing an unstable rhythm, their desperate sounds of pleasure mingling on the air, turning into a glorious melody that tells so much more than words ever could – that is, if Die would really listen. But he doesn’t, or maybe he does and can’t understand. Either way he’s too absorbed in his own mind, in the current of sensations making every last nerve ending tingle, to register anything beyond his approaching orgasm.

Kaoru comes down hard on Die’s cock again and wraps his fingers around his throat, squeezing. And suddenly, just like that, Die’s world explodes into bright lights that dance behind his eyelids and his cock pulses out his offering into the tight heat its buried within. Die chokes out a breath and starts shaking like a leaf in a stiff wind, he tries to breathe, but the air doesn’t reach his lungs and it feels perfect. It’s just what he needs, his consciousness threatening to slip from his grasp, darkness pulling at the edges of his vision. _Glorious._

Only once he finishes cumming does Kaoru release his throat and Die breathes in air that burns on its way down his windpipe and stings his lungs mercilessly. He can’t do much more than gasp over and over, has a hard time trying to keep his eyes open, but he is acutely aware of Kaoru’s cum running warm and sticky down from his breastbone to his navel. This, too, is a wonderful feeling, like Kaoru has just marked his territory, Die thinks, blissfully.

“Yours,” he breathes without even realising it while Kaoru reaches behind him and swiftly undoes the intricate knots that bind Die’s arms together, which is a good thing, because Die’s fingers tingle like he’s going to lose feeling in them soon. Small, warm hands come to rub at the abused skin to encourage the flow of blood back into his hands.

Die stretches his arms out on his sides, flexes his wrists a little while Kaoru still rubs at the skin. He’s still in Die’s lap as their eyes meet, and even though their physical link is already separated, they’re still connected. In that moment, Die feels it very intensely and it stings his heart – a quick, sharp pain as though someone was trying to push a sizeable needle through the muscle.

That’s when the tears come. Die doesn’t fight them, doesn’t get embarrassed about them anymore either. He simply accepts them and the comfort Kaoru tries to offer by pulling him into his arms and down on his side until they both lie down, Kaoru staring at the ceiling and Die hiding his face in his lover’s chest.

Die cries silently, he doesn’t know why, can’t quite explain it, but Kaoru’s never asked, just accepted the tears as part of their encounter. Die isn’t unhappy. On the contrary, he’s sated, he’s with the man he loves, and he knows he can have this anytime he needs it. He isn’t sad. And yet, the pain, this searing pain in his heart reminds him that he can never have what he really wants. Kaoru isn’t his, will never _be_ his, but Die belongs to Kaoru and that’s not fair, is it? But there is nothing Die can do about it other than accepting the fact and trying to move on – until next time. He sniffs and tries to blink away the tears. It’s a futile attempt.

Kaoru coos into Die’s hair, strokes over his head and his shoulders and almost automatically, Die’s hands find their way around Kaoru’s torso. He holds on for dear life as he shakes in his lover’s arms, quietly sobbing.

“Shhhh,” Kaoru whispers and places a kiss on Die’s forehead, “it’s okay. You’re okay.” He keeps repeating those words every now and again until the tears finally stop coming. Die hiccups, sniffs, and holds Kaoru closer for a moment. But when he tries to move away, to give his lover some space, the hands on his shoulders tighten their grasp.

“Stay,” the deep baritone orders and a shiver is running down Die’s spine at the commanding tone. He blinks up at Kaoru, his eyes full of questions, but he doesn’t say a word. Kaoru returns the look, his face expressionless until after a few moments, a soft smile claims his lips. It even reaches his black eyes and he strokes his index finger along Die’s cheekbone, pushes away a stray strand of hair.

“How do you feel?” Kaoru asks, gently, his finger never stopping its motions on the heated skin of Die’s face.

Die swallows, visibly, audibly, and then gasps as a warm thumb runs across his bottom lip. His voice is shaking slightly as he answers, “Fine. I’m… fine. Warm,” he hesitates, presses his lips together, but then says it anyway, “I feel safe. With you.” He can’t return Kaoru’s look anymore, blinks and casts his gaze to the side, painfully aware of the other’s scrutiny. It almost burns his skin and he scrambles to get away, but Kaoru only holds him tighter.

“Do you even know how much I love you?” Kaoru asks, suddenly, unexpectedly. His voice is deep and clear and Die looks up at him, mouth agape, and as their eyes meet, time stops. Die isn’t aware he is neither breathing nor blinking, he isn’t conscious of Kaoru struggling to sit up with Die still in his embrace or anything beyond the words that keep echoing in his head. He doesn’t realise what’s happening until there is a soft, warm, familiar mouth pressing against his lower lip, nipping it, followed by a deep baritone telling him to keep breathing.

It’s then that Die finally gasps in a huge lungful of air, that he blinks slowly, almost comically. He struggles to form a coherent sentence, but his brain feels like it’s been reduced to a puddle of goo, dripping out of his ears. There are butterflies everywhere, making his veins prickle and his skin heat up. He sobs.

“Shhhh. It’s alright,” Kaoru coos, “It’s alright. I’m here. I’ll always be here.”

“I love you,” Die whispers – or, more accurately, whimpers – but he doesn’t dare look at Kaoru now, squeezes his eyes shut instead.

There is a smile in Kaoru’s voice as he replies, “I know.”

A pause follows the words that, to Die, feels like an eternity. Then, Kaoru continues, his voice gentle and warm, “I’ve always known. I’ve always felt the same.”

Die looks up, his eyes wide, tears pricking at the corners, burning as they run down his cheeks. Then why didn’t you ever tell me, he wants to ask, but his lips are shaking slightly and he doesn’t trust his voice. He doesn’t want to be mad at Kaoru either, he wants to be happy – but the tears won’t stop coming.

There is no time for Die to form the words before Kaoru reaches out and brushes the wetness away. “I thought you knew,” he answers the unspoken question. “I should’ve told you. With words. But I didn’t, and I’m sorry about that.” There is sincere regret in his black eyes, but Die only shakes his head and tries to smile just before he leans in and kisses Kaoru. He’s never done that, not like this, usually Kaoru would be the one to initiate a kiss, except for the few occasions Die had been feeling particularly naughty during one of their encounters.

Die feels bold, making this move, and a wave of heat makes his head swim as he feels Kaoru respond. For the first time ever, Die takes control over the situation and Kaoru melts under the movements of his lips and hands. Die feels powerful and his heart is so full, his body too warm and his skin too tight.

“Mine,” Die all but growls against that sinful mouth just as he licks into the warm cavern and finds an agile tongue to play with for a moment.

Kaoru chuckles in response and pulls Die closer. “All yours,” he breathes between kisses and when they finally part, gasping and panting for air, their clouded gazes meet and it’s like a shockwave going through Die, making his skin tingle all over with a new, different kind of arousal.

Kaoru looks at him like he’s beautiful and precious and like he loves him – and just like that, all the things Die has never dared ask for are his.


End file.
